I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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