Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize