I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
3pm strippers are depressing
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
