she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
