how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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