I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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