My friends, they love my intelligence
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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