A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm too high and old for this...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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