My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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