He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
