I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My penis needs a shock collar
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize