I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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