Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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