The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
