You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
