the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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