Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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