Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
