I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
