I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
