The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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