the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
