but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
