There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize