Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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