It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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