it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
