at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
