I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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