my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
