you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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