you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
