i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
