I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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