the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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