Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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