Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
