just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
