I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
