She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
