Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
