too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
