Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
