People in love make me want to vomit
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
