Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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