Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
