I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize