I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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