I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
