I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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