What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
