dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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