Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
