I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Boobs speak an international language.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize