Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
