I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
