I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
